Heartwarming Speech by Michael Jackson @ Oxford University

Heal The Kids - Oxford Speech

Oxford University, March 2001 by Michael Jackson

Thank you, thank you dear friends, from the bottom of my heart, for such a loving and spirited welcome, and thank you, Mr President, for your kind invitation to me which I am so honoured to accept. I also want to express a special thanks to you Shmuley, who for 11 years served as Rabbi here at Oxford. You and I have been working so hard to form Heal the Kids, as well as writing our book about childlike qualities, and in all of our efforts you have been such a supportive and loving friend. And I would also like to thank Toba Friedman, our director of operations at Heal the Kids, who is returning tonight to the alma mater where she served as a Marshall scholar, as well as Marilyn Piels, another central member of our Heal the Kids team.

I am humbled to be lecturing in a place that has previously been filled by such notable figures as Mother Theresa, Albert Einstein, Ronald Reagan, Robert Kennedy and Malcolm X. I've even heard that Kermit the Frog has made an appearance here, and I've always felt a kinship with Kermit's message that it's not easy being green. I'm sure he didn't find it any easier being up here than I do!

As I looked around Oxford today, I couldn't help but be aware of the majesty and grandeur of this great institution, not to mention the brilliance of the great and gifted minds that have roamed these streets for centuries. The walls of Oxford have not only housed the greatest philosophical and scientific geniuses - they have also ushered forth some of the most cherished creators of children's literature, from J.R.R. Tolkien to CS Lewis. Today I was allowed to hobble into the dining hall in Christ Church to see Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland immortalised in the stained glass windows. And even one of my own fellow Americans, the beloved Dr Seuss graced these halls and then went on to leave his mark on the imaginations of millions of children throughout the world.

I suppose I should start by listing my qualifications to speak before you this evening. Friends, I do not claim to have the academic expertise of other speakers who have addressed this hall, just as they could lay little claim at being adept at the moonwalk - and you know, Einstein in particular was really TERRIBLE at that.

But I do have a claim to having experienced more places and cultures than most people will ever see. Human knowledge consists not only of libraries of parchment and ink - it is also comprised of the volumes of knowledge that are written on the human heart, chiselled on the human soul, and engraved on the human psyche. And friends, I have encountered so much in this relatively short life of mine that I still cannot believe I am only 42. I often tell Shmuley that in soul years I'm sure that I'm at least 80 - and tonight I even walk like I'm 80! So please harken to my message, because what I have to tell you tonight can bring healing to humanity and healing to our planet.

Through the grace of God, I have been fortunate to have achieved many of my artistic and professional aspirations realised early in my lifetime. But these, friends are accomplishments, and accomplishments alone are not synonymous with who I am. Indeed, the cheery five-year-old who belted out Rockin' Robin and Ben to adoring crowds was not indicative of the boy behind the smile.

Tonight, I come before you less as an icon of pop (whatever that means anyway), and more as an icon of a generation, a generation that no longer knows what it means to be children.

All of us are products of our childhood. But I am the product of a lack of a childhood, an absence of that precious and wondrous age when we frolic playfully without a care in the world, basking in the adoration of parents and relatives, where our biggest concern is studying for that big spelling test come Monday morning.

Those of you who are familiar with the Jackson Five know that I began performing at the tender age of five and that ever since then, I haven't stopped dancing or singing. But while performing and making music undoubtedly remain as some of my greatest joys, when I was young I wanted more than anything else to be a typical little boy. I wanted to build tree houses, have water balloon fights, and play hide and seek with my friends. But fate had it otherwise and all I could do was envy the laughter and playtime that seemed to be going on all around me.

There was no respite from my professional life. But on Sundays I would go Pioneering, the term used for the missionary work that Jehovah's Witnesses do. And it was then that I was able to see the magic of other people's childhood.

Since I was already a celebrity, I would have to don a disguise of fat suit, wig, beard and glasses and we would spend the day in the suburbs of Southern California, going door-to-door or making the rounds of shopping malls, distributing our Watchtower magazine. I loved to set foot in all those regular suburban houses and catch sight of the shag rugs and La-Z-Boy armchairs with kids playing Monopoly and grandmas baby-sitting and all those wonderful, ordinary and starry scenes of everyday life. Many, I know, would argue that these things seem like no big deal. But to me they were mesmerising.

I used to think that I was unique in feeling that I was without a childhood. I believed that indeed there were only a handful with whom I could share those feelings. When I recently met with Shirley Temple Black, the great child star of the 1930s and 40s, we said nothing to each other at first, we simply cried together, for she could share a pain with me that only others like my close friends Elizabeth Taylor and McCauley Culkin know.

I do not tell you this to gain your sympathy but to impress upon you my first important point : It is not just Hollywood child stars that have suffered from a non-existent childhood. Today, it's a universal calamity, a global catastrophe. Childhood has become the great casualty of modern-day living. All around us we are producing scores of kids who have not had the joy, who have not been accorded the right, who have not been allowed the freedom, or knowing what it's like to be a kid.

Today children are constantly encouraged to grow up faster, as if this period known as childhood is a burdensome stage, to be endured and ushered through, as swiftly as possible. And on that subject, I am certainly one of the world's greatest experts.

Ours is a generation that has witnessed the abrogation of the parent-child covenant. Psychologists are publishing libraries of books detailing the destructive effects of denying one's children the unconditional love that is so necessary to the healthy development of their minds and character. And because of all the neglect, too many of our kids have, essentially, to raise themselves. They are growing more distant from their parents, grandparents and other family members, as all around us the indestructible bond that once glued together the generations, unravels.

This violation has bred a new generation, Generation O let us call it, that has now picked up the torch from Generation X. The O stands for a generation that has everything on the outside - wealth, success, fancy clothing and fancy cars, but an aching emptiness on the inside. That cavity in our chests, that barrenness at our core, that void in our centre is the place where the heart once beat and which love once occupied.

And it's not just the kids who are suffering. It's the parents as well. For the more we cultivate little-adults in kids'-bodies, the more removed we ourselves become from our own child-like qualities, and there is so much about being a child that is worth retaining in adult life.

Love, ladies and gentlemen, is the human family's most precious legacy, its richest bequest, its golden inheritance. And it is a treasure that is handed down from one generation to another. Previous ages may not have had the wealth we enjoy. Their houses may have lacked electricity, and they squeezed their many kids into small homes without central heating. But those homes had no darkness, nor were they cold. They were lit bright with the glow of love and they were warmed snugly by the very heat of the human heart. Parents, undistracted by the lust for luxury and status, accorded their children primacy in their lives.

As you all know, our two countries broke from each other over what Thomas Jefferson referred to as "certain inalienable rights". And while we Americans and British might dispute the justice of his claims, what has never been in dispute is that children have certain inalienable rights, and the gradual erosion of those rights has led to scores of children worldwide being denied the joys and security of childhood.

I would therefore like to propose tonight that we install in every home a Children's Universal Bill of Rights, the tenets of which are:

1. The right to be loved without having to earn it

2. The right to be protected, without having to deserve it

3. The right to feel valuable, even if you came into the world with nothing

4. The right to be listened to without having to be interesting

5. The right to be read a bedtime story, without having to compete with the evening news

6. The right to an education without having to dodge bullets at schools

7. The right to be thought of as adorable - (even if you have a face that only a mother could love).

Friends, the foundation of all human knowledge, the beginning of human consciousness, must be that each and every one of us is an object of love. Before you know if you have red hair or brown, before you know if you are black or white, before you know of what religion you are a part, you have to know that you are loved.

About twelve years ago, when I was just about to start my Bad tour, a little boy came with his parents to visit me at home in California. He was dying of cancer and he told me how much he loved my music and me. His parents told me that he wasn't going to live, that any day he could just go, and I said to him: "Look, I am going to be coming to your town in Kansas to open my tour in three months. I want you to come to the show. I am going to give you this jacket that I wore in one of my videos." His eyes lit up and he said: "You are gonna GIVE it to me?" I said "Yeah, but you have to promise that you will wear it to the show." I was trying to make him hold on. I said: "When you come to the show I want to see you in this jacket and in this glove" and I gave him one of my rhinestone gloves - and I never usually give the rhinestone gloves away. And he was just in heaven.

But maybe he was too close to heaven, because when I came to his town, he had already died, and they had buried him in the glove and jacket. He was just 10 years old. God knows, I know, that he tried his best to hold on. But at least when he died, he knew that he was loved, not only by his parents, but even by me, a near stranger, I also loved him. And with all of that love he knew that he didn't come into this world alone, and he certainly didn't leave it alone.

If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can he dealt with. A professor may degrade you, but you will not feel degraded, a boss may crush you, but you will not be crushed, a corporate gladiator might vanquish you, but you will still triumph. How could any of them truly prevail in pulling you down? For you know that you are an object worthy of love. The rest is just packaging.

But if you don't have that memory of being loved, you are condemned to search the world for something to fill you up. But no matter how much money you make or how famous you become, you will still fell empty. What you are really searching for is unconditional love, unqualified acceptance. And that was the one thing that was denied to you at birth.

Friends, let me paint a picture for you. Here is a typical day in America - six youths under the age of 20 will commit suicide, 12 children under the age of 20 will die from firearms - remember this is a DAY, not a year - 399 kids will be arrested for drug abuse, 1,352 babies will be born to teen mothers. This is happening in one of the richest, most developed countries in the history of the world.

Yes, in my country there is an epidemic of violence that parallels no other industrialised nation. These are the ways young people in America express their hurt and their anger. But don't think that there is not the same pain and anguish among their counterparts in the United Kingdom. Studies in this country show that every single hour, three teenagers in the UK inflict harm upon themselves, often by cutting or burning their bodies or taking an overdose. This is how they have chosen to cope with the pain of neglect and emotional agony.

In Britain, as many as 20% of families will only sit down and have dinner together once a year. Once a year! And what about the time-honoured tradition of reading your kid a bedtime story? Research from the 1980s showed that children who are read to, had far greater literacy and significantly outperformed their peers at school. And yet, less than 33% of British children ages two to eight have a regular bedtime story read to them. You may not think much of that until you take into account that 75% of their parents DID have that bedtime story when they were that age.

Clearly, we do not have to ask ourselves where all of this pain, anger and violent behaviour comes from. It is self-evident that children are thundering against the neglect, quaking against the indifference and crying out just to be noticed. The various child protection agencies in the US say that millions of children are victims of maltreatment in the form of neglect, in the average year. Yes, neglect. In rich homes, privileged homes, wired to the hilt with every electronic gadget. Homes where parents come home, but they're not really home, because their heads are still at the office. And their kids? Well, their kids just make do with whatever emotional crumbs they get. And you don't get much from endless TV, computer games and videos.

These hard, cold numbers which for me, wrench the soul and shake the spirit, should indicate to you why I have devoted so much of my time and resources into making our new Heal the Kids initiative a colossal success.

Our goal is simple - to recreate the parent/child bond, renew its promise and light the way forward for all the beautiful children who are destined one day to walk this earth.

But since this is my first public lecture, and you have so warmly welcomed me into your hearts, I feel that I want to tell you more. We each have our own story, and in that sense statistics can become personal.

They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, your child takes another. I have discovered that getting parents to re-dedicate themselves to their children is only half the story. The other half is preparing the children to re-accept their parents.

When I was very young I remember that we had this crazy mutt of a dog named "Black Girl," a mix of wolf and retriever. Not only wasn't she much of a guard dog, she was such a scared and nervous thing that it is a wonder she did not pass out every time a truck rumbled by, or a thunderstorm swept through Indiana. My sister Janet and I gave that dog so much love, but we never really won back the sense of trust that had been stolen from her by her previous owner. We knew he used to beat her. We didn't know with what. But whatever it was, it was enough to suck the spirit right out of that dog.

A lot of kids today are hurt puppies who have weaned themselves off the need for love. They couldn't care less about their parents. Left to their own devices, they cherish their independence. They have moved on and have left their parents behind.

Then there are the far worse cases of children who harbour animosity and resentment toward their parents, so that any overture that their parents might undertake would be thrown forcefully back in their face.

Tonight, I don't want any of us to make this mistake. That's why I'm calling upon all the world's children - beginning with all of us here tonight - to forgive our parents, if we felt neglected. Forgive them and teach them how to love again.

You probably weren't surprised to hear that I did not have an idyllic childhood. The strain and tension that exists in my relationship with my own father is well documented. My father is a tough man and he pushed my brothers and me hard, from the earliest age, to be the best performers we could be.

He had great difficulty showing affection. He never really told me he loved me. And he never really complimented me either. If I did a great show, he would tell me it was a good show. And if I did an OK show, he told me it was a lousy show.

He seemed intent, above all else, on making us a commercial success. And at that he was more than adept. My father was a managerial genius and my brothers and I owe our professional success, in no small measure, to the forceful way that he pushed us. He trained me as a showman and under his guidance I couldn't miss a step.

But what I really wanted was a Dad. I wanted a father who showed me love. And my father never did that. He never said I love you while looking me straight in the eye, he never played a game with me. He never gave me a piggyback ride, he never threw a pillow at me, or a water balloon.

But I remember once when I was about four years old, there was a little carnival and he picked me up and put me on a pony. It was a tiny gesture, probably something he forgot five minutes later. But because of that moment I have this special place in my heart for him. Because that's how kids are, the little things mean so much to them and for me, that one moment meant everything. I only experienced it that one time, but it made me feel really good, about him and the world.

But now I am a father myself, and one day I was thinking about my own children, Prince and Paris and how I wanted them to think of me when they grow up. To be sure, I would like them to remember how I always wanted them with me wherever I went, how I always tried to put them before everything else. But there are also challenges in their lives. Because my kids are stalked by paparazzi, they can't always go to a park or a movie with me.

So what if they grow older and resent me, and how my choices impacted their youth? Why weren't we given an average childhood like all the other kids, they might ask? And at that moment I pray that my children will give me the benefit of the doubt. That they will say to themselves: "Our daddy did the best he could, given the unique circumstances that he faced. He may not have been perfect, but he was a warm and decent man, who tried to give us all the love in the world."

I hope that they will always focus on the positive things, on the sacrifices I willingly made for them, and not criticise the things they had to give up, or the errors I've made, and will certainly continue to make, in raising them. For we have all been someone's child, and we know that despite the very best of plans and efforts, mistakes will always occur. That's just being human.

And when I think about this, of how I hope that my children will not judge me unkindly, and will forgive my shortcomings, I am forced to think of my own father and despite my earlier denials, I am forced to admit that me must have loved me. He did love me, and I know that.

There were little things that showed it. When I was a kid I had a real sweet tooth - we all did. My favourite food was glazed doughnuts and my father knew that. So every few weeks I would come downstairs in the morning and there on the kitchen counter was a bag of glazed doughnuts - no note, no explanation - just the doughnuts. It was like Santa Claus.

Sometimes I would think about staying up late at night, so I could see him leave them there, but just like with Santa Claus, I didn't want to ruin the magic for fear that he would never do it again. My father had to leave them secretly at night, so as no one might catch him with his guard down. He was scared of human emotion, he didn't understand it or know how to deal with it. But he did know doughnuts.

And when I allow the floodgates to open up, there are other memories that come rushing back, memories of other tiny gestures, however imperfect, that showed that he did what he could. So tonight, rather than focusing on what my father didn't do, I want to focus on all the things he did do and on his own personal challenges. I want to stop judging him.

I have started reflecting on the fact that my father grew up in the South, in a very poor family. He came of age during the Depression and his own father, who struggled to feed his children, showed little affection towards his family and raised my father and his siblings with an iron fist. Who could have imagined what it was like to grow up a poor black man in the South, robbed of dignity, bereft of hope, struggling to become a man in a world that saw my father as subordinate. I was the first black artist to be played on MTV and I remember how big a deal it was even then. And that was in the 80s!

My father moved to Indiana and had a large family of his own, working long hours in the steel mills, work that kills the lungs and humbles the spirit, all to support his family. Is it any wonder that he found it difficult to expose his feelings? Is it any mystery that he hardened his heart, that he raised the emotional ramparts? And most of all, is it any wonder why he pushed his sons so hard to succeed as performers, so that they could be saved from what he knew to be a life of indignity and poverty?

I have begun to see that even my father's harshness was a kind of love, an imperfect love, to be sure, but love nonetheless. He pushed me because he loved me. Because he wanted no man ever to look down at his offspring.

And now with time, rather than bitterness, I feel blessing. In the place of anger, I have found absolution. And in the place of revenge I have found reconciliation. And my initial fury has slowly given way to forgiveness.

Almost a decade ago, I founded a charity called Heal the World. The title was something I felt inside me. Little did I know, as Shmuley later pointed out, that those two words form the cornerstone of Old Testament prophecy. Do I really believe that we can heal this world, that is riddled with war and genocide, even today? And do I really think that we can heal our children, the same children who can enter their schools with guns and hatred and shoot down their classmates, like they did at Columbine? Or children who can beat a defenceless toddler to death, like the tragic story of Jamie Bulger? Of course I do, or I wouldn't be here tonight.

But it all begins with forgiveness, because to heal the world, we first have to heal ourselves. And to heal the kids, we first have to heal the child within, each and every one of us. As an adult, and as a parent, I realise that I cannot be a whole human being, nor a parent capable of unconditional love, until I put to rest the ghosts of my own childhood.

And that's what I'm asking all of us to do tonight. Live up to the fifth of the Ten Commandments. Honour your parents by not judging them. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

That is why I want to forgive my father and to stop judging him. I want to forgive my father, because I want a father, and this is the only one that I've got. I want the weight of my past lifted from my shoulders and I want to be free to step into a new relationship with my father, for the rest of my life, unhindered by the goblins of the past.

In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.

To all of you tonight who feel let down by your parents, I ask you to let down your disappointment. To all of you tonight who feel cheated by your fathers or mothers, I ask you not to cheat yourself further. And to all of you who wish to push your parents away, I ask you to extend you hand to them instead. I am asking you, I am asking myself, to give our parents the gift of unconditional love, so that they too may learn how to love from us, their children. So that love will finally be restored to a desolate and lonely world.

Shmuley once mentioned to me an ancient Biblical prophecy which says that a new world and a new time would come, when "the hearts of the parents would be restored through the hearts of their children". My friends, we are that world, we are those children.

Mahatma Gandhi said: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Tonight, be strong. Beyond being strong, rise to the greatest challenge of all - to restore that broken covenant. We must all overcome whatever crippling effects our childhoods may have had on our lives and in the words of Jesse Jackson, forgive each other, redeem each other and move on.

This call for forgiveness may not result in Oprah moments the world over, with thousands of children making up with their parents, but it will at least be a start, and we'll all be so much happier as a result.

And so ladies and gentlemen, I conclude my remarks tonight with faith, joy and excitement.

From this day forward, may a new song be heard.

Let that new song be the sound of children laughing.

Let that new song be the sound of children playing.

Let that new song be the sound of children singing.

And let that new song be the sound of parents listening.

Together, let us create a symphony of hearts, marvelling at the miracle of our children and basking in the beauty of love.

Let us heal the world and blight its pain.

And may we all make beautiful music together.

God bless you, and I love you.

好好走 rest in peace

有一個朋友走了..

我忍不住哭了起來...

我想寫我們怎麼認識之類的事情, 可是請原諒我現在的脆弱. 我會記得你的.

就像我們沒什麼刻意聯絡可是我依然記得你一樣.

畢竟那個時間點是我生命裡很重要的一個階段.

我忽然很想好好地跟過去的自己聯繫.

對了, 你到了另外一個世界的時候, 你可以找我的兩個學生. 他們一個叫阿凱, 一個叫小象, 你說你是我的朋友, 他們一定會好好地尊重你的. 阿凱很乖而小象就比較活潑. 我教他們的時間沒有很長, 就請你幫我繼續教好他們.

也許你們還可以一起好好演一齣戲.

A fren had just left us..

I cried n keep crying...

I wish to write about who we got to know each other n stuff. Pls forgive me for being so vulnerable now.

I will remember u like how i had remembered u for the past years.

And now, i wish that i can be reconnected to my old self.

God, tell me what u have in mind for me pls...

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現在, 我還想起了我其他的老朋友志興和金耀. 希望你們也還記得我.

真實的謝謝 Really Thank You

今晚我難免激動.

昨天晚上沒有跟小王子講到話, 因為他打電話給我的時候我已經睡著了. 今天一大早就接到了他的電話. 他說, 昨晚沒有人陪他說話. 他就是有這種能力. 今天我的一天忽然就更明亮了起來. 我只是希望我心裡想的事情趕快發生.

最近我好像開始失去了一些我原有的能力. 我不知道究竟是怎麼了. 我想也許是因為我還感受不到我應該知道的吧. 時間一天一天的過去. 今晚我會好好睡覺. 因為我知道明天會是全新的一天.

今晚我要好好感謝一些人.

謝謝好朋友S給我的簡訊. 謝謝台灣的大頭妹妹忽然在MSN跟我講話, 還說今年還想幫我慶祝生日. 謝謝學生賢給我的鼓勵, 我會記得你說的'強'. 謝謝孫子提醒了我, 問我怎麼最近的生活好像變得黯淡無光了, 那當頭一棒似的對話有點孩子氣卻最真實不過, 謝謝你想念我們一起吃飯的時候. 謝謝澳門的媽媽說想我, 還說希望我趕快可以再次跟你一起工作. 謝謝香港的妹妹跟我的一席談話, 那是一種很特別的感覺. 謝謝好朋友傑克, 你知道我為什麼謝謝你.

謝謝上帝讓我知道了一些什麼.

我也要謝謝你, 你用你的雙手把我接著, 拖著, 扶著, 推著. 你明亮的雙眼還是跟小時候一樣. 我永遠不能不愛你. 只是現在的我們開始對愛懂得更多. 我愛著你, 就跟你愛著我一樣.

真實地存在著.

I didn't speak to h last night because i was asleep when h called. H called again this morning and as powerful as he is, my day seems to become brighter listening to h's childish yet surreal talking over the phone.

I seem to be losing some of my natural power lately. I am not sure what went wrong. Perhaps i still haven't read what the universe is trying to tell me clearly. However, tonight i will make sure i have a good sleep because i know that tomorrow is a brand new day and it will be a good day for me.

Tonight, I wish to extend my gratitude to some special people.

Thanks to my good fren S, thanks for your sms to me. Thank you my beloved sister in Taiwan, thanks for your birthday offer. Thanks to my student Xian, i will remember what u told me in msn. Thanks to my grand son, thanks for asking why. Thanks to my mui mui in HK. Thanks to my mama in macau, thanks for saying what u said. Thanks to my dear fren Jack and you know why i thank you.

Thanks god, for teaching me.

And last but not least. Thank you k. Thanks for always be there for me with your open arm. I looked into your eyes and i see the same eyes as when we were younger.

Everything is so real.

miracle

我需要一個奇蹟. 不大不小的一個.

i am in need of miracle.

a moderate one.

gone and forgotten

昨天晚上, 我再次離開了我家人住著的那個家. 生命裡很多絕對不是一種藉口的的無可奈何. 我們得到然後失去, 我像一個勇士一樣再次從殘酷中爬出來, 然後發現自己好像已經什麼都沒有了. 不要告訴我那些什麼我還有愛我的朋友之類的話語.

因為這些話語甚至安慰不了我的最表面.

還好, 我還有一顆想去愛一些什麼的心.

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I left my family house last night. I was back there for 4 days, been there done that and here i am gone, once again.

To nowhere.

很多很多

因为很久没有update自己的blog所以也很久没有上朋友的blog去看看了。之前太忙与沉溺在自己为自己制造的不幸当中以至于忘了自己是一个怎样的人。

我本来就不是一个自私的人。我告诉自己我不能这样做。

对不起好朋友S，我不知道你有没有在担心我。我迷失了一段时间，现在我已经回来了。我一直在跟一股强大的力量对抗。昨天晚上我把它击败了。今天早上我把它狠狠地埋葬了然后才起床的。我希望你一直好好的。现在我想起了你去台湾找我的时候。那是一个很奇妙的旅程。对你，对我都一样。

我谢谢妈妈依然爱我。虽然我一直不能成为她最想我成为的样子，可是她依然爱我，就跟一直以来一样。还有妹妹和弟弟，一切都是一样的。

感谢宇宙间那股神奇的力量，感谢你回应了我的呼唤。

还有很多很多。。。。

一起

我回到了自己的家，我家人存在的地方。今天已经是第三天了。跟平时一样，我积极地做着我应该做的事。

生命是美好的。

你在我每一个重要的转折点无条件的用双手迎接我。我知道我是这个世界上最幸运的人。对于这个点我一直深信不疑，人生的过程证明了上天对我的爱。前一段日子经历了工作被骗，好朋友对我的不谅解等等的挫折。我一不小心就掉入了情绪的陷阱。而你依然愿意对我表现你的好。

昨天晚上，我知道自己应该怎么做了。在我开始感觉良好的时候，在台湾的好朋友杰克给我打电话。他一个人在西门町的路边。那时候是凌晨一点多。如果我还在台北的话，我会陪在他的身边。我们说着跟自己有关的事情，我深深地感觉到杰克是一个太好的人。我答应自己我一辈子都要对这个好朋友好。就像我一直对我仅有的那两个好朋友一样。

我跟小王子在计划着一些事情。今年我因为自己的不明确而错过了他的生日，错过了我们的旅行计划。而他却依然对我表现了他的信任和支持。对于这样的一种待遇我一直想哭，想大声地对天大喊，表现出我的感激和幸福。就这样，我一定要跑得比自己还快。

你丰富了我过去十年的生命，而未来我们会继续在对对方的生命里扮演最重要的角色。未来的很多个十年，我不要辜负自己对小王子的爱，还有小王子对我的好。

对不起，小王子。过去我一直觉得我对你的爱是一种错误。现在我知道，爱就爱了，爱过了才知道。

再等我一下下。我们一起走。

Beautiful Path

Hello everyone, it has been ages since i last updated my blog. I am still well as usual, as cheerful as ever, laugh and being a positive vibe to everyone around me.

Yes, i am still undergoing the most important transition in my life. The process will end soon. How soon? Soonest than i ever expected it. I am really happy for this and i am really happy for everything that is around me now. Will update about all the good news in my blog soon.

Came across a blog few days back. It is indeed very inspiring and motivating for me to have discovered that blog. God is still loving me as usual. Everytime when i doubted on something and he will provide me with answer without me really search for it. Thank you the greatest power out there.

Look forward to the beautiful path awaiting for me...

Quotes

As i am very low in every aspect now, here are just some quotes to share :

When you say "I love u", mean it.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt by it's the only way to live life completely.

Spend sometimes alone.

我做了臉部能量治療.. 哈哈!!! I did something to my face.. haha!!

我想我的濫情應該是停止的時候了. 於是我就積極地往外跑. 就這樣遇到了一個很久不見的老前輩. 他是馬來西亞演藝圈一位非常具有代表性的人物. 我跟他的認識是因為10年前我跟他一起演了一部大型的舞台劇. 這部舞台劇也讓我被更多的人認識和肯定.

當我看見這位已經年屆70的朋友, 他親切地還叫著我角色的名字. 我看見他的感覺是很開心的, 因為在演出裡他是老闆而我是他的工人. 再次看見他最讓我驚訝的是他看起來居然比10年前還要年輕.

我們開心的聊著天, 可是我一直觀察他的臉部皮膚的狀態, 真的是太不同了. 我忍不住告訴他說他看起來真的年輕了很多. 他趕緊說他沒有拉皮也沒有動刀或打針. 他說他只是做了臉部能量治療.

聽見他這麼說, 一向對能量或諸如此類的事情非常感興趣的我就繼續問下去了. 原來他是通過儀器的幫助把臉部的能量重新復活, 然後臉部的皮膚就會恢復年輕了. 記得前些日子你才說我的臉部明顯地老了. 就這樣我就請他帶我去做臉部能量治療.

短短20分鐘的療程過後, 我的臉部沒有明顯的效果. 我有點失望. 美容師說做了一次療程後必須在一個月以後才可以做第二次的療程. 我心想說, 應該不會有第二次了. 哈哈.

3天後, 奇怪的事情發生了. 我的臉部毛孔變小, 感覺緊實, 皮膚變細, 狀態開始變好了. 我想應該是臉部的能量開始'醒'了. 我感覺很意外, 也喜歡這種持續性的效果.

我想, 一個月後, 我要做第二次的能量治療!! 哈哈!!

人老了, 就只能這樣. 哈..

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Few days ago, i met an old friend of mine. He is one of the pioneer in Malaysia entertainment industry. We got to know each other when i acted in a Malaysian theater production 10 years back.

I was thrilled to see him as he still call me with my character's name in that particular play. Oh god, he is 70 this year but he look like 40+. He is looking younger when i first met him. I was thinking maybe he did something to his face. Perhaps botox or something.

As a good boy like me, i only said:"wow, u look so young now!!" and he clarified that he did not have any face lift nor operation or injection. He just had a face energy therapy. The word energy caught my interest instantly. As i am a believer in energy. He continue saying that the face energy will be rejuvenated using a special machine.

Few weeks ago, K had just told me that my face had grown old and this had caused a siren in me since then. I don't like to grow old. I continue asking him a few questions and i decided that i want to do face energy therapy badly and i went for the treatment the next day.

It is a 20 minutes session. After the session, nothing happened to my face. I was sad and decided to see it as another facial session. Maybe i am thick skin. haha!! The therapist said i can do the second treatment after 21 days. I was thinking:" i am not so sure about it."

After 3 days, something magical happened!! I noticed changes on my face. My face is becoming smoother, fairer, tighter and my pores smaller. I think my face skin has been refresh. Wow!! I so like this consistent effects and i felt great. I look into the mirror more frequently now, just to check on the condition of my face. hahaha!!

Now, I am so looking forward to my second "face energy therapy"!!

ok, i know, i sounded sissy. Who cares!!!

Those were the days

"阿任仔，你长大了没？对你，我好像还停留在你穿中学校服的时候，而且还是灰黄短裤时……"

以上是一個在我還小的時候就認識的朋友給我留的話. 你們知道我對任何跟過去美麗的時光有關的東西總是無法抗拒. 我會不能自拔地陷入回憶的陷阱.

我跟這個朋友一起經歷了她從少女蛻變成為一個媽媽的過程. 有時候我在離她很靠近的地方, 有時候我在遠遠的地方. 看見她現在的樣子, 我沒有太多的想法. 我希望她是快樂的.

我已經長大了. 在我還來不及回神的時候我就已經32歲了. 我知道你會覺得不可思議, 很多以前的朋友都是這樣覺得的. 我過得不錯, 以前沒有跟你們一起白混了. 你們的精神一直跟著我到現在. 只是現在比以前更加懂得感性, 也更加唾棄自己的感性.

今年我見到小虹, 她說:"你真的是一個大人了." 月圓說我不再是以前那個'我最大'的人了.

你會怎麼覺得我呢?

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Facebook had connected me back to so many old friends. My secondary school mates, my college mates and most of all a group of very special and important friends.

When i was 15, i spent most of my time not with my school mates but a group of friends who are much older than me. Youngest among them was 21yo by then. They are all artists in some ways. They are painters, writers, actors, they draw comic and etc. They were all young and full of dreams. They were so passionate in everything they do. Everybody are so gifted.

15 years after that, we are who we are now.

I was so lucky by then. I was the youngest and everybody treated me really good. Few years after we first met, we went on to pursue our own path and we hardly contacted each other. Thanks to facebook and the world of blogging. In some way, we are reconnected.

Those beautiful days had followed me wherever i go. I have so much to tell them. I want to tell them every single experience i had for the past 10 years. I know that they will still love me no matter what.

Thanks to time. Thanks to love. Thanks to the universe.

Announcement

Hello all, since i am getting more and more request asking me to write in English so i have decided to start writing English in my blog.

However, i will continue to write in Chinese as well. For all my beloved "English" friends out there who are so kind and wanting to read my blog, i will try my best to deliver it in both languages.

As a matter of fact, i can't translate all my writing to English so this is what i have in mind, when i have "feel" in Chinese then i will write in Chinese with English synopsis and vice versa.

I also wish to make one thing clear to prevent confusion to my Chinese reader. As all of you are well aware of, i have 2 anonymous characters in my blog. First is character "You" (你)and secondly the lovely little prince. The character "You" in English is a brand new character from the "You" in Chinese. Got it? Pls don't get them mixed up.

The English "You" will make it's special entrance in my up coming writing.

Thanks for reading and do leave me note if you happen to come by.

love n hugz,

舊文

現在, 就讓我好好地看著自己的情感決堤. 然後以另外一個自己狠狠地唾棄我. 我緩緩地抬起頭, 抹去臉上所有的痕跡. 我對自己說,

我就是這樣. 我也沒有辦法.

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我愛你. 愛這段得來不易的情感. 所以我恨你, 因為你將我從高處重重摔了下來. 你讓我失去了信任的勇氣.

你背判我並不是因為你不愛我. 只是因為你需要這麼做.

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a: i want to break up with you but you do know that i love you right?

b: then why do you want to break up with me?

a: i feel that sometimes you don't understand me.

b: i don't understand why you are doing this now so yes i think i don't understand you.

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喜歡

我要你記得,

曾經有一個人像我這樣子的喜歡過你.

travel with love

我不太懂得什麼叫愛. 我只想跟你一起去旅行.

如果你也願意, 我想也許這就是愛吧.

至少我是這麼覺得的.

that time

昨天只睡了两个小时. 我享受这种自己给自己带来的痛苦.

早上我去了帮人工作的办公室. 那里没有人在, 我在嘛嘛档等了接近一个小时. 于是我决定给几个朋友传简讯. 好笑的是, 没有一个朋友给我回简讯. 我不想安慰自己说朋友们都刚好在忙, 我只是更加肯定了一些自己一直在想的事情.

最后我决定一个人在吉隆坡开车逛逛. 开车的时候我想起了一个我很久没去的地方-Ole Cafe. 我就想到那里看看， 可是发现时间还早， 那里应该还没有开门营业。 可是我还是决定到那里去。到达的时候发现原来它的开门营业时间已经改成早上8点了。

停好了车子， 就走进了Ole, 几乎所有的东西都没有变。 那种感觉就像我几年前在那里做过的一个作品一样。作品的题目叫<That time>. Ole总是让我有一种分不清时空的感觉。 我点了一杯capuccino。 味道跟以前常喝的没有太多的分别。我一个人坐在安静的ole里。时间一下子就感性了起来。

忽然我看见了一个熟悉的人走进了ole.这个人叫四叔。 他是ole的会计师。每天早上都会去那里处理前一天晚上的账目。 四叔是一个像电影里亲切的叔叔般的人物。 他看了我一眼， 并没有认出我来。我看着他忙着处理事情，在他临走前我叫了他一声四叔。 他不认得我， 于是，我就说我是道格， 爆炸头。

四叔的反应是自然的。 他的笑容从有礼貌的笑容转化成为真的开心的笑容。 那一刻， 我又感动。 四叔坐下以后， 他问我这几年去了那里。 我简单地把过去几年的经历讲了一下。 四叔说我们应该更早重新遇到， 因为ole将在9天后结束营业。

那时候我才知道我会忽然想到那里去的原因。 还记得以前我们在ole都抱着一个相信， 我们常常说 <everything happens for a reason >.

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礼拜六， 我去了ole参加它关闭前的聚会。我遇见了很多熟悉的人. 那天晚上, 我从容的说着笑着, 心里面感性到不行.

现在想要记录当时的感性也觉得吃力.

也许好朋友说对了, 我是一个滥情的人.

我想他说的对极了。

我要跟自己分手

你有没有试过这样的一种感觉? 一早上醒来, 发现自己不想成为自己.

今天早上, 我有这种感觉. 于是我继续躺着, 好好地感受和消化这个感觉.

我发现了一个事实.

这个事实就是, 我爱自己的部分就是我最讨厌自己的部分.如果我要爱自己, 我就会继续讨厌自己. 比如说, 我爱自己对事情的敏感度, 可是我却因为这样的敏感度而对事情不再期待. 这个时候, 我就会讨厌自己的敏感度.

我还想到了很多很多的其他部分.

就这样, 我发现我可以把我的心和我的脑分开.

就这样, 我爱自己也更讨厌自己.

我想我应该让自己跟自己分开一下.

小王子終結篇

小王子终于還是说了一句:"不会"

自此以后小王子乘着他的UFO回到了他的星球。

我一个人开车回家。途中我给他传了一个简讯。闷了一天的天空忽然就下起雨来了。同時我的电话忽然响起，我以为他给我打电话了。

不是他，是你给我打电话了。

那天晚上, 雨一直下個不停.

雨到第二天早上才停止.

我想我們還是必須接受一些殘酷.

Thank You

Life is not too bad after all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K5Md4xakb4

Sweet Dream No More

You announced their victory and walked away.

I was laughing and felt like a loser.

I was drunk but i remember the feelings.

I felt it as i fell.

I was awaken by the fact that sweet dream will never come true.

Once upon a time, i really thought that you are someone different.

And sadly i still think you are now.

惡夢

昨天早上, 你說: "你睡覺的時候磨牙磨的很誇張."

雖然你就在我的身旁, 我還是連續地做了3個晚上的惡夢. 惡夢從我一睡著就出現了.

昨天早上, 我說:"如果今晚睡覺的時候, 我再磨牙你就把我叫醒. 這表示我正在做惡夢."

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今天早上, 我問你:"昨晚我有磨牙嗎?" 你說:"有, 而且還比前一晚更誇張."

我又做惡夢了.

而你知道了, 卻沒有把我叫醒.

重要的話

好朋友用他比平時來得弱的聲音說 :

"誰沒有年輕過? 你有過, 我也有過."

這是一句好話. 這也是一句重要的話.

勇敢不计代价

離開山頂的工作以後, 我沒有讓自己空閒下來. 本來說想先好好休息然後才決定自己應該在自己的生命裡繼續怎樣. 可是這個想法並沒有成為事實. 一直到今天才是第一次可以讓自己跟自己好好地相處.

過去的幾天我一直在跟人見面還有在談電話裡渡過. 現在想起過去幾天所完成的事情, 自己還是忍不住地佩服自己起來. 今天我也不應該怠慢, 今天我也應該讓自己繼續生產和創造. 可是我想不停地聽歌和抽煙.

離開山頂以後, 我一直跟你住在一起. 除了現實的因素之外, 我想不起我們為什麼要像現在這個樣子繼續地在一起. 有一天我跟你抱怨有關我的孤獨感. 那一天我感覺沮喪, 可是一轉頭我又以一種我獨有的方式跟其他朋友相處著. 我討厭這樣, 可是這樣我會感覺到一種快樂. 一種短暫且虛幻的快樂. 原因在於我心裡感覺踏實的快樂的那一塊一直都沒有好好地復原過.

工作的部分也都順利的安排好了. 在這方面, 我感謝宇宙裡那股神奇的力量對我的愛戴.

鱼 - 陈绮贞
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我坐在椅子上 / 看日出复活 / 我坐在夕阳里 / 看城市的衰弱
我摘下一片叶子 / 让它代替我 / 观察离开后的变化
曾经狂奔舞蹈 / 贪婪地说话 / 随着冷的湿的 / 心腐化

带不走的丢不掉的 / 让大雨侵蚀吧
让它推向我在边界 / 奋不顾身挣扎
如果有一个怀抱 / 勇敢不计代价 / 别让我飞 / 将我温柔豢养

我坐在椅子上 / 看日出复活 / 我坐在夕阳里 / 看城市的衰弱
我摘下一片叶子 / 让它代替我 / 观察离开后的变化
曾经狂奔舞蹈 / 贪婪地说话 / 随着冷的湿的 / 心腐化

带不走的留不下的 / 我全都交付它
让它捧着我在手掌 / 自由自在挥洒
如果有一个世界混浊的不像话 / 原谅我飞 / 曾经眷恋太阳

带不走的丢不掉的 / 让大雨侵蚀吧
让它推向我在边界 / 奋不顾身挣扎
如果有一个世界混浊的不像话 / 我会疯狂的爱上

带不走的留不下的 / 我全都交付它
让它捧着我在手掌 / 自由自在挥洒

如果有一个怀抱 / 勇敢不计代价 / 别让我飞 / 将我温柔豢养
原谅我飞 / 曾经眷恋太阳

這是這幾天一直在聽的歌. 沒有特別喜歡它的什麼. 可是就是有一種對味的感覺. 坐在電腦前面的時候, 我都在聽著它.

喜歡沒什麼原因, 想喜歡就喜歡了. 喜歡是一種感覺, 如果喜歡可以被好好分類, 分析, 整理的時候, 就什麼都沒有了. 因為你給我的孤獨感, 我的情緒裡一直有一種接近瘋狂的行為模式. 我對你抱怨, 可是我沒有抱怨你.

對於愛上小王子這件事情, 我一直沒有想太多. 我甚至懷疑自己對他的愛是自私和充滿自虐性的. 我因為永遠不可能愛上他而愛上了他. 我不能告訴你我有多愛你了, 因為我連去想這件事情的能力也沒有了.

我只是在想, 如果沒有了這一切, 我為什麼還需要像現在這個樣子繼續地一路往前走?

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我需要一個幻想. 因為現實離我太遠.

抬頭看不見星星

今天在工作和工作之間去找好朋友一起午餐. 好朋友已經開始了一個艱難的路程, 我知道這不容易, 可是這也不難. 因為他是我的好朋友.

好朋友說他的眼神裡有一絲惆悵, 他必須用力才可以讓自己感覺一些什麼. 我沒有辦法做更多的什麼. 我甚至開始懷疑自己的價值. 我本來就是一個感性的人. 昨天我懷疑了一些事情的價值. 今天上天肯定了我其他的一些價值.

活得越久, 我好像活得越來越懷疑. 我懷念那個不懂得懷疑的時候, 我感嘆自己在某個層面上變成了這樣子的一個人. 也許我一直想讓自己成為一個我根本成為不了的人. 又或者我根本就沒有真正認識過自己. 其他人怎麼幫我定位, 我就以為自己是那樣子了.

我覺得我的家人從來沒有認識過我. 我覺得我一直活在幻象裡. 這幾年我用力的讓自己去認識現實, 而我就變得更加的措手不及, 然後不知所措. 我的心和我的腦失衡得歷害.

我學會害怕 / 懷疑 / 我懷疑自己同時懷疑別人 / 我否定自己也否定別人 / 我胡亂感覺佩服 / 我唾棄自己的感性 / 我保守自己但感覺不滿足 / 我壓抑熱情, 討厭衝動 / 我對自己感覺陌生

我想也許我只是突然累了, 然後失去了方向感. 就這樣我好像開始渴望一種安全感.

備註:
1. 就這樣, 最近我愛上了<突然累了> 和 <安全感>這兩首歌.
2. 謝謝問題兒童在我離開山頂之前唱了很多遍這兩首歌給我聽.
3. 謝謝氣質男孩陪我說了許多話, 然後以一種真實的方式支持了我.

再備註:
謝謝晶, 我的老朋友. 今天晚上晶忽然跟我說話. 我看見年輕的自己坐在澳洲家裡的陽台. 看著滿天的星星. 那時候我還不知道, 今天會是這個樣子的.

也許小王子根本不想做小王子

每個人都需要一個幻想.

小王子是我的幻想. 他根本不是一個小王子, 他是一個年華正茂的年輕人, 他擁有可以讓他盡情揮霍的青春, 他毫不費力就成為了世界的中心點. 他笑著且享受著他想要的所有事情.

你問我喜歡他嗎? 我很喜歡.

你問我愛他嗎? 我很愛.

就像喜歡一個故事裡的人物那樣子的喜歡著他. 就像愛上一個電影裡的角色一樣的愛上了他. 而我本來就特別喜歡灰暗的格調. 我喜歡無奈和悲情. 我喜歡一種永恆的痛苦, 一種會一直存在著的傷害.

我想這跟我過去的經歷有關. 我已經不相信平凡且理所當然的事情了. 我從一個最美麗的夢裡忽然醒來, 然後繼續墮入更多的惡夢裡.

就這樣, 我會繼續喜歡我的小王子. 我會繼續地愛著我的小王子.

那個不真實同時只是一個幻想的小王子.

因為他本來就沒有想要成為那樣的一個人.

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你走了以後, 我的某個部分就已經死了.

真實感也在那個時候死了.

在愛情裡, 我害怕快樂.